The Word - Vol 102

Headlines That Made Us Go ‘Wait, What?’ 

Having spent most of my working life in or around a newsroom, I’m very sensitive to news stories or more to the point, news headlines and news briefs.

A friend of mine, newsman Russel Byth, and I have collected a few that we found either amusing or just puzzling. We have actually seen these in print or heard them on the air.  

Let’s start with this classic.

“Cop Cleared for Shooting Man with Bucket.”  
Hold it now, did the cop use a bucket to shoot the man?  Or did the man who got shot have a bucket?  Hmm, not clear. 

“Mesa man chased wife with machete.”  
The same kind of thing. Did the man have the machete, or did his wife have the machete?  Film at 11! 

I really have no explanation for this one.  
“The goose eventually listened to the broom that was barreling towards it in the hands of the man, and flew a short distance away.”  Huh?

A sad story, but not clear as to who fatally shot himself?
”The Voice'' star Christina Grimmie has died after being shot at a concert in Orlando, Florida. Police say Grimmie's brother tackled the shooter, who then fatally shot himself.”

This was too little too late I suppose? 
“The pilot ejected after his plane went down”

From a news report……
“It is unclear how the fire started. There is no word on what caused the fire.”
Now, not only were these two sentences back-to-back, but one followed the other.  Hey…Just a minute!  Now you’re making fun of the reporter!  

Irish newspapers are always good for a humorous headline.  From a book titled “Ireland in the Spring with George,” I found these beauties:  
- “For sale: Parachute.  Never been opened. Used just once. Somewhat soiled.”
- And “For Sale: One tombstone.  A bargain for anyone named Murphy.” 
- And this article, quoting some irate neighbours about a local problem wrote: “Tom McEldroon, who asked to remain anonymous….”
Oops.  

Which reminds me of a story my friend Jeff Groberman told me about the early days of the TV show, The Vancouver Show. The producers booked a “whistleblower” on the show, but he wanted anonymity!  The producers agreed and said he would not be lit, and would only be shown in silhouette. The whistleblower’s chair would be in darkness.  During the commercial break, the host took his seat, and the guest took his, but when they came back on the air and the lights came up, they realized they had taken the wrong chairs!  The whistleblower was fully lit, and the host was in silhouette!  Oops!

Locally, we’ll file this under, confused… 

“Cpl. Meghan Foster will provide media availability regarding Chilliwack homicides outside RCMP Headquarters at 3 pm today.” 
The homicides were outside the?….never mind.

Newspaper headline:  “Federal Agents raid gun shop and find weapons.”  
Not exactly breaking news!

From the could we please have that in English department?
“The fire seen near the Canada Post at YVR was from the burned out cab of a semi-truck, which has seen been put out by crews.”  
Thank you, don’t call us, we’ll call you!

The question was asked: “Did a cop kill him with his hands up?”  
 don’t know, but it’s tough shooting with your hands up!

This just in from the San Miguel Sheriff:  
“A large boulder the size of a large boulder is blocking the southbound lane Hwy in the Stoner Creek area of Montezuma County. Expect delays.”
Time to hire a spokesperson, I think?

We’re not sure if it's accurate, but a newspaper report of an early Irish trial where “the judge asked the accused "What's your name?" To which the accused answered "The same as me Dad's"...."What's your Dad's name?" "Same as mine”

We’ll sign off with these classics:

“He killed them, fatally!”
and,
“The dead body was found by a tree.”

And I’ll leave my favourite for you to figure out,
“A big black woman’s purse went missing”

Till next week...
Wayne